I don’t know why. Could it be the perennial Memorial Day blues? Could I be close to the hormonal T.O.T.M. (time of the month.) Could I be mourning something I didn’t realize I needed to be mourning? Just stress from my crappy roommate? It actually felt really good to cry and I wished that I could have just let it all out, but I was in a public place and it was not a small cry. So, I put the book (that was making me cry?) in front of my face, tried to stare off into space and think of something that wouldn’t make me cry, wiped my eyes and took my three books up to the clerk. Tears kept coming out of my eyes and I kept having to stare off into space, and do non-cry thinking. When I imagined the clerk noticing me crying, it would make me cry again.

I couldn’t talk. I was afraid it would make me sob. He tried to be gentlemanly, “Oh, I see the allergies are getting to you, too.” (As a tear rolls down my cheek.) “Actually,” I whisper, trying not to cry, “it was one of the books.” “Oh,” he said, and offered me a tissue. “Well don’t tell anyone, but when I read Love You Forever, I cried.” “The children’s book?” I whispered. “Don’t tell anyone.”he said jovially. “It’s a secret.” I whispered froggily. I finally looked up and he gave me a remarkably kind smile. I rushed out. Kind smiles make me cry, sometimes.

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Star Wars

May 29, 2005

I just saw Star Wars. Quickly turn away if you haven’t seen it!
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I don’t know if I’ll write any spoilers in here, but I hate to hear anything before seeing a movie. Wow. It was better than I expected, and better than some people told me it would be. Now that I’ve seen it, I can finally go read Roger Ebert’s review. It was intense and I felt more sad after seeing it than during the movie. I’m just so sad that Anikan turned bad, and I’m sad that he had to burn up like that. I think the reason it really pulls at me emotionally is because it mirrors many of the feelings I’ve had as our nation has gone to war and as people have voted for less freedom. It just hurts that people can get so caught up in a fake enemy and resort to killing people to “liberate” them.

Padme was just about to say, “There’s still hope.” Sometimes when I have felt down about political decisions people have made, I take the long view. I think, “well, there will be another ice age and it will all be wiped out. Not to worry, the damage isn’t permanent.” That sounds really fatalistic, huh. It reminds me of a quote I read in Finding Flow, attributed to Buddhists:

Act always as if the future of the Universe depended on what you did, while laughing at yourself for thinking that whatever you do makes any difference.

I think that’s a little heavy. (you think) But I do think that everything we do can have an effect and that an effective way to think of that is with hope- that even the little things you do make a difference, and not with guilt- that’s where the laughing at yourself needs to come in.

Oh yeah, the special effects were really cool too. 🙂

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I want money

May 28, 2005

Grad student cartoon sung to the tune “Part of your World” from Disney’s The Little Mermaid. I especially like the part,

Going home to those (what do you call them?) oh, Weekends!

Ha! 🙂

(I’ve been hanging out at Roundy Wells again:)

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Name that feminist

May 28, 2005

Some of my best writing is in other people’s comment sections. The good writers are so stimulating and it becomes like writing a letter. One of my friends and I discovered the same thing about our journals and our letters in college. Out letters to each other were so much more interesting than our journal entries that we would write in journals to each other and then photo-copy them and send them as letters.! Wow, I had forgotten all about that. How neat to have a friend so close that we could send our journal entries to each other.

Anyhoo, here, in a nod to my heritage, is a comment I left at Feminist Mormon Housewives, it was a post about taking, or not, your husband’s last name:

Ok, I’m chiming in to this looonng discussion. I decided to keep my last name a long time ago, (purely for reasons of principle, because I have a fairly inelegant last name. Now, I kind of like it because it’s funny.) However, one of my boyfriends said he thought it was more romantic for a couple to share a name and I thought about it and thought that one possibility, among hundreds, is to find a common ancestor or ancestoral place and take that as a last name. I have lots of cool last names in my heritage, for example: Braidwood. 🙂

I am not just changing my last name to my husband’s though. I think women are used to saying, “It’s not a big deal, I don’t mind.” But I think a good test of how fair something is, is would it go both ways? If the last name isn’t a big deal, would your husband change his name to yours? Well, then it’s a pretty big deal, isn’t it. (She said gently)

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My anonymous blog

May 26, 2005

My blog has actually turned out to be more self-revealing than I intended and I’ve told friends and family about it, hoping they would drop by. It is interesting to notice the pull to share, and the pull to keep things to myself. I tend to the private side. However, I think this makes my blog a lot less interesting and sometimes less insightful. I have much better journal entries (book type journal.) I do imagine an audience for my journals, too. I write as honestly as I can and imagine people reading it 50 years or more after I am dead and long gone. Then people can make of it what they will and hopefully it will help somebody. Like someone said, we are like water we change so much. Sometimes beyond what we can even notice. Who wants to keep those images of ourselves locked in stone for all the world to see. On the other hand, I appreciate people’s honesty. If it was a more forgiving world, then maybe more sharing would be advisable. Then there’s the other kind of private, the kind that is not kept back out of fear, but out of specialness. (Although I hate that word.) The kind of beauty that you hold in your hands for a moment and then dip your hands back into the river and let it go.

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Totally random scribble.

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I’m in the process of creating an online portfolio for what I hope will be my day job. I decided to use blog software, Blogger, specifically, and tweak it. I really like how it looks and I may link to an example if I have time in the near future. My goal was to create a portfolio without Dreamweaver or tables that was easily updatable and pretty. The only trouble I’m having is that my FTP doesn’t seem to want to upload pictures right now. Grr…

(This is giving me something small and concrete to focus on, to ease me into non-school life. Hope you are all well, out here in Blogland!)

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End of Semester Ennui

May 25, 2005

I had a similar feeling after I finished the marathon. A great organizing force in my life is over (for awhile.) Thanks to this book I understand the curious after effect of accomplishing a big goal.

Things that make me feel better when I’’m in this mood:

I know these are just temporary measures and not very zen buhda like. But, whatever (non-violent, fairly benign behavior) gets you through the night, right?

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…if you hunger for a deep change in your life that moves you in the direction of less stress, more health, lower consumption, more spirituality, more respect for the earth and the diversity within and among the species that inhabit her, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

I blogged about Cultural Creatives at one point on this blog. I wish I could find it. Now Augustine has brought the words to light again. You can read more about Cultural Creatives here.

There is also a Cultural Creatives web ring. Some of the sites included look a bit new agey for me. (“I’d like some Cultural Creative, heavy on the science.”)

There is nothing flaky about this. There is nothing New Age about this. These people are practical. They love the Earth, and they want to live their values.

Oh, well thanks, Meta Filter. Count me in then. Most of the comments at MetaFilter were harsh and I don’t think most of the commenters actually read the book. Although I thought this one was pretty funny:

Do cultural creatives have indigo children when they mate?

HA! 🙂 Despite some self aggrandizement and new ageyness of the people who count themselves as Cultural Creatives, sociologist Paul Ray and psychologist Sherry Anderson discovered a real phenomenon in the culture and their book is definitely worth reading.

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