I went on a trip. It went without a hitch and was better than expected. I came back and the dog and cat were happy to see me. 🙂 I feel so uncertain in my life right now. What will I do next? I have so many questions and so much to do to be in a comfortable resting place. However, all my things are now with me or at my Granddad’s house and I feel like I have a home base again. It’s probably a sign of modern materialism that I identify so strongly with some of my possessions, but I felt so happy to see my books again! It was like visiting old friends. I unpacked two shelves full of books and put them up in the “turquoise room” at my Granddad’s house. My books have a home, I have a home.

Homer, Iliad 1.148-158 (tr. Samuel Butler):

Achilles scowled at him [Agamemnon] and answered, “You are steeped in insolence and lust of gain. With what heart can any of the Achaeans do your bidding, either on foray or in open fighting? I came not warring here for any ill the Trojans had done me. I have no quarrel with them. They have not raided my cattle nor my horses, nor cut down my harvests on the rich plains of Phthia; for between me and them there is a great space, both mountain and sounding sea. We have followed you, Sir Insolence! for your pleasure, not ours.”

Found at The Wildhunt Blog

So classic, I’d go visit if I were you.

Gilmore Girls

August 17, 2005

I watched a Gilmore Girls episode on TV last night. (I love the Gilmore girls) and Lauralai’s love came back. The thing I liked about it was that she wasn’t crying, there was no drama. She was watching movies she liked and going to the diner and hanging out with her friends and going to work. It was almost strange to see someone acting like that on TV who broke up with their boyfriend just two episodes ago. BUT it felt so real. So grown-up. When you are past that crying/drama phase and are just quietly, achingly longing. Anyway, she was watching a movie, just fine at her house, and he knocked on her door. I don’t know how she did that, but you could feel the quiet longing. They had the moment in the movie she was watching be about losing a man, which was unneccesary. I could already feel the ache. Then there was a knock. Just like there would be a knock in real life and the hairs on the back of your neck would stand up, “Could it be him?” But you wouldn’t get excited or even check how you look, because you know very well by now not to expect anything, and then you go to the door and it is him. And it is a miracle and you just hold each and kiss as hard as you can and don’t say anything.

Real Life Update

August 16, 2005

I love reading Andrea’s real life updates over at Roundy Wells. I wish all my friends and family had blogs! So, today I am going to treat you to a real life update.

Men: Nada. (Wow, this is quick!) I theoretically want to get married and if I happened to meet someone that I clicked with, I’d be all for it, but I’m putting no energy into looking. The only reason it has a little half-hearted place on my to do list is my biological clock. Mental calculations of biological clock: “Let’s see, I’m 31 [now you know :)] If I meet someone now and marry them in a year, the earliest I will have my first child is 33. If I want 4 kids, spaced two years apart… ARGHGGGH!!!” That’s how those internal conversations usually go, followed by a panicked: “I must meet somebody now!” or a tremulously reasuring, “Well, people are getting younger all the time, if you just stay in really great shape, it will be almost like you are in your 20’s when you are having kids!” Yeah right!

Job: Just quit! Yay me! In my job-life, I really feel like the airplane motivational speakers always talk about, on the wrong path most of the time but continually making adjustments so that it does eventually get where it intended to go. I know what I want to do: create blah, blah, blah, blah. (That information is part of my secret identity- or actually, my known identity, but this site is part of my secret identity, so my known identity is… this gets so confusing.) But how do I get there? I started drafting a letter to send to a well-known writer and Ph.D to share with him the research paper I wrote that involves his work. Ach! It scared me to even draft it. Do you double-dog-dare me to send it today? It is great thinking, in my humble opinion, but really stilted writing. I haven’t figured how to make research paper writing flow. I HATE that method of writing. eek.

I’m considering going to school some more to get a Ph.d and doing research there, applying for a grant to get my research funded, or… working at a regular job while I work on my own research on the side? This is all up in the air.

For the near future, I have a student loan coming in, so I won’t starve. However, I do want a job during this last semester and I will definitely need a job when the semester ends. As the very talented Andrea has shown, getting a job in a particular field can be challenging. I won’t have any welcoming arms letting me stay somewhere, I’ve already used that option up post bachelors degree. Unless something changes in some other area of my life. (See “Men:” above.)

Jobs I am considering: low paying student job on campus- hey, it’s money, actual full time job in my field if I can get it, or get an internship in my field. In addition, I AM starting my hypnosis practice back up. The website is in the works.

Other dreams: I want to sing and play the guitar and write songs. My grandma has agreed to pay for me to get singing lessons! Yay, Grandma!! I am soo excited to have a more consistantly performance worthy voice. Also, I am going to learn to play the guitar better and learn more music theory. As you know, I don’t want to become famous in that I don’t want my face to be broadly recognizable, but I DO want to be rich and talented. I would love to make money selling my songs and be a slightly known singer in my community- at church and in a local band. That would be sooo fun.

Housing: I want my own house. But I went driving around yesterday and I realized, even if something magical happens, I don’t know exactly where I want to live yet. However, being in a temporary place that is someone else’s house just sucks. No, I am not pleased with my roommates. Today I realized that I just have to clean in front of my other two roommates so they can WITNESS ME CLEANING, then they see that I am contributing my fair share of cleaning. My other roommate, the owner of the house, who I will call Fantasia, just got home today. Disclaimer: all of these roommates are nice. They are not horrible, but still, I am not pleased. So, Fantasia and Tina are chatting about the trip she just got back from and I say, “Hi! How was Florida?” And she says, in a measured voice usually reserved for pre-schoolers, and irritating even then,”Braidwood, I had a nice trip, but I don’t want to talk about it now. If you’d like, I will tell you about Florida later.” What the hell! I wanted to turn all Hustle and Flow * on her and tell her, “Yo, bitch, I couldn’t care less about your trip to Florida! I was just asking to be nice!” Then I fantasized about coming up with something socially acceptable yet funny and mean to say back to her. I could think of nothing. When I am displeased I turn very sincere and tend to say things like, “I really don’t like being spoken to like that.” I did think it would be funny to make up a song about Fantasia to the tune of “I’m living in my own private Idaho” and call it “I’m living in my own private Ashram!” (Fantasia teaches yoga and gives astrology readings and doesn’t think farting is funny.)

*I saw Hustle and Flow with my Grandma when I was in Hawaii, her choice, and the only reason I went. I usually stick to my Mormon heritage and skip rated R movies. Especially if there is the chance that there will be something in the movie that I just wish I had never seen. However, while Hustle and Flow had the trappings of banality, it was not banal. It was an awesome movie and I could totally relate.

You can trust yourself

August 8, 2005

I am being inspired by other people’s blogs, so here’s another post in the comments-I-left-on-someone-else’s-blog category! I left this comment over at Laura’s Starling Fitness site.

Laura, I hope you find the cause and cure for your stomach hurting. If there is pain in your body, that is a sign that something is wrong!! So please don’t just live with it.

My stomach story: I hardly ever got headaches, but all growing up, my stomach hurt! Especially right before I went to school. So, the in house doc, my mom, said that I was either faking it or just nervous. My stomach pains continued into college. Nearly every day of my life I was in pain or uncomfortable for part of the day. In college, I found out that I’m lactose intolerant!!! That’s all it was!! So, there I was eating oatmeal or cereal for breakfast with milk, feeling sick and being accused of faking it! Now, I don’t drink milk and my stomach hardly ever hurts!

In related news: I used to get a gassy stomach when I went on dates! Then I accused myself of creating it out of nervousness. Luckily I read in a magazine that fake sugar gives some people gas. I never drink pop, but I would chew sugarless gum when I went out. I stopped with the gum, the gas stopped. SOMETHING is making your stomach hurt. You can trust yourself.

Guess I’ll quit.

At least I’m not the only lost soul.

I just binged on TV and watched a marathon episode of America’s Top Model.
(This is what happens when you are almost unemployed.) It was Yoanna all the way. (Sorry if you haven’t seen it yet.)

Yay! No more lying! High ho, high ho, what the hell am I going to do? (To the tune the little dwarves sing.)

Natalie gets me thinking

August 5, 2005

Natalie has a powerful illustration about children starving. She wants the rich and powerful to HELP with one grand parade of private jets and loads of food going to Africa. I think that’s a great idea, however, we can only do what we can do. What follows is my comment on her blog (plus a story.)

I think it is a mistake to think that “rich and powerful” people are different than any of the rest of us. I know it sounds too small to only help one person, but it isn’t. It’s just enough. So, I’m with the support-one-starving-child person. Every little bit helps. I am barely (I mean I’m-eating-just-rice-tonight barely) making ends meet. However, one very little thing I do is give food away to anyone who asks me for it. It’s small, but somebody hungry eats when I’m driving home from the grocery store.

And now a true story: One time I was listening to a rich couple in Utah speak. I forget the man’s name, but he is a multi-millionare and gives a lot away to charity in Utah. His wife was VERY down to earth and dressed about like I do. She said that a lot of people tell her it’s easy for her and her husband to give away money and that if they had a lot of money they would give it to charity too. She says no they wouldn’t. If you are waiting to give until you have a lot, then you aren’t being real with yourself. She said if you want to give a lot when you have alot, then start giving what you can when you have a little. She said her husband was always generous. They started out poor. They were living in a little house and had several kids and she noticed that a small amount of money, which was a lot for them at the time, was missing every month. She talked with her husband and it turns out that he was giving money to a family in their neighborhood so that they could buy groceries each month.

That and other stories of small kindnesses have taught me a lot about being willing to give a little. There is some kind of hubris in saying “I will only do something if it creates sweeping change.” (Although I still have grand ideas!) I admire small acts of kindness. It is saying a lot about the worth of human life to take action when it will only affect one or two people.