A Beautiful Woman in Disguise
December 18, 2005
Mmm… Once again, a fellow (sister?) blogger has sparked a blog post. This was part of my response to The Happy Feminst’s post GULP: A VERY LONG AND PERSONAL POST “ON ONCE HAVING BEEN A CUTE GIRL.”
…I too can relate. When I was 20 and 21, I was asked out and complimented constantly from boys 16 to men 80 plus and everyone in between. I hadn’t been asked out in high school at all and it was overwhelming and flattering. It was also at times very aggressive and some men did expect that since they wanted me, it was an affront to their manhood if I did not want them. Men who I could tell were not sexually attracted to me also asked me out, I think just because, as a pretty woman, I was a status symbol…The very worst part though was women who were jealous of me. They could be fairly vicious. I wanted to tell them that, contrary to their view, I was not always popular, I was not rich, I was not a cheerleader in high school. Please just let me enjoy this time of popularity without malice. I found growing older and plainer an immense relief. I gained about 20 pounds and became pretty enough to get occasional attention and pretty enough that other women wouldn’t ridicule me for being ugly, but plain enough not to provoke jealousy or turned heads in the grocery store. Looks are such a mixed bag. What I wish for now, is a world in which all kinds of beauty are valued and we are all free to shine to our fullest without negative repercussions.
I would sometimes like to reveal myself. I would sometimes like to just let myself be as beautiful as I can be, even decorated. I wish all the men in the world were wholesome enough for me to feel safe enough to shine. But I don’t want to be the “new Venus,” I want to be seen for who I am. So, I often enjoy going out without makeup and with very basic outfits, but still I am not really seen for all of who I am. There is a part of my identity that is “beautiful.” It sometimes feels like a characteristic that is true no matter how I look. People who look at me and don’t see that I’m beautiful just don’t see very well, I think, they can’t see my secret, that despite how plain I may look, I am still beautiful. When I was younger, I was exposed for all the world to see, but now I can go about secretly, a beautiful woman in disguise.