The Primary Relationship: I’ve got some questions.

February 28, 2006

I am looking for a primary relationship. Even more than a romantic relationship, I want a primary relationship. I mean the kind of relationship where I know a certain person is my main person, and I am their main person. I don’t think that on an unconscious level I’ve cared if that is a best friend, a lover, or a mother.

I think the main appealing thing about a marriage to me is that it is the one socially sanctioned and publicly celebrated primary relationship. I don’t think that I have ever had a relationship where I was the primary person in someone’s life who was also the primary person in my life. Even though it is customary for that relationship to be marriage, I don’t think I really care how that relationship looks as long as I have it. Although rolling lover, father of my children, life partner, and primary relationship all in one person does seem to be convenient.

Do you have a primary relationship in your life?
Is that kind of relationship even important to you?
Who is it? Is it your best friend? Spouse?
Is it God?
Are you the primary person for them as well?
How do you deal with not having a primary relationship, or, if you have one, is it all it’s cracked up to be?

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3 Responses to “The Primary Relationship: I’ve got some questions.”

  1. Laura Moncur Says:

    I’ve been married for over 15 years and I feel completely unqualified to talk about the whole primary relationship thing.

  2. jo_jo Says:

    Yes, I have a primary relationship.
    Yes, very important to me.
    It’s with myself.

    OK, well I know that’s not what you’re really asking, so I’ll be serious.

    Yes, I have a primary relationship.
    Yes, very important to me, to be so deeply known and trust someone else with all of me, even the bits I don’t really like.
    It’s my common-law spouse.
    It’s not God.
    Yes, I’m their primary person too. I don’t think it would work unless it was fully reciprocal, btw.
    It’s awesome, truly, but in an unexpected way. It’s more like an old pair of slippers – hugely comfy and easy like breathing – than intense heart-wrenching stuff. If I ever lose it I’ll know what to look for next time; if it’s difficult, it’s not right. It’s this incredible ease that is the real prize. My heart is at rest.

    May it happen for you.
    Love,
    Joanna

  3. Braidwood Says:

    Mmmm.. Thank you Laura, I think you speak truly to the mystery of relationships.

    Joanna, you’re story is inspiring. I think I’m learning about things that are right being comfortable and easy in other areas of my life.


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