Like butta’, mmmm… maybe a little more like jello

So, lately I’ve been inordinately proud of my breasts. This is not like me. I was not one of those little girls who was waiting to blossom. I liked my streamlined, pragmatic, asexual body. Even recently, as boasts about my burgeoning bosom have surfaced unplanned like Freudian slips, I’ve clung to the idea that I’m a 36 C. You see, I am a person who likes elegance in design, where form follows function. And even though people might not guess it to look at my outerwear, I have very specific tastes. My bras don’t look fancy, but they fit perfectly, and I pride myself on this kind of elegance. All my bras are the exact same bra- Olga, with a flower in the middle, 36 C, minimizer bras. They fit perfectly. And then suddenly, they didn’t. Something looked wrong. My nipples were showing through my shirts. It was time for a change, and I finally had to admit that I had hot-pocketed my way right into a D cup. My bras look enormous now. When I brought home a new one, my roommate exclaimed, “That could fit on my head!” It reminded me of a Designing Women episode when the red head was the keeper of the busty brunette’s bra and she put it on her head. I haven’t reached Delta Burke status yet, but I do have an abundance of flesh. It seems almost overindulgant.

As I stood in the dressing room with my bouncy breast tissue held aloft like it was on a tray, and my toddler-like belly protruding defiantly, I thought, “Have I gone too far?” Is this reveling in all this butter contributed fat and flesh too much? Should I kick into streamline phase, build up my muscles and melt all this delicious fat off my body? Then what would I do with all the new clothes I’m buying?!” I turned and looked at myself from the side. If I jut my stomach out and make it taught in instead of jiggly, I could look pregnant. I will make a darn cute pregnant woman. Then I wondered if the old tautology was true: To get pregnant, one must not already look pregnant… Nah… Who wouldn’t want to revel in all this extra bouncy flesh with me. My rolling thighs and protruding belly look just as cute on me as they do on a toddler, right? And even though I don’t understand the sexual allure of breasts, I know that some people do.

I think my current pride in my girth is the closest I’ve come to understanding some men’s pride in their package. It’s like a female version of machismo. Well, we’ll see where all this intuitive eating and moving leads me. I’m never going back to forcing myself to eat crappola again. I’m not eating on an eating plan. I’m not running 36 thousand miles, or even 36 if I don’t want to. I am going to keep buying clothes that I like for my body as it is now. I can always put them in a box when my body changes. I don’t know why I thought I had to get my body to one specific place and try and keep it there. A woman’s body changes so much in her life, and if I have my way, it’s going to change a lot more in the coming years, and I won’t have to pretend I’m pregnant. I can have a box of clothes for different future sizes. I have room in my life for my changing body, and these DKNY jeans I’m wearing are going to make excellent early maternity jeans. So, I guess I don’t have to worry about losing my breasts to exercise. They’ll come back eventually, taught with expectation, like my toddler belly.

Curvy and Naughty (another annoying quiz result)

Curvy and Naughty
Raw score: 48% Big Breasts, 45% Big Ass, and 48% Cute!

Thanks for taking the T and A and C test! Based on your selections, the results are clear: you show an attraction to larger breasts, larger asses, and sexier composures than others who’ve taken the test.

[Wha’?]

Note that you like women overall curvier than average.

[Talk about self serving opinions.]

My third variable, “cuteness” is a mostly objective measure of how innocent a given model looked. It’s determined by a combination of a lot of factors: lack of dark eye makeup, facial expression, posture, etc. If you scored high on that variable, you are either really nice OR you’re into deflowering teens.

[Or you’re genetically programmed to be a mother. What can I do?]

If you scored low, you are attracted to raunchier, sexier, women. In your case, your lower than average score suggests you appreciate a sexier, naughtier look. Kudos!

[What?!]

Recommended Celebrities: Supermodel Laetitia Casta and Actress Angelina Jolie.
Link: The Tits, Ass, and Cuteness Test written by chicken_pot_pie.

Ok, weird test, I know. But, I couldn’t help myself. I’m only sorry that I got a picture with Angalina on it (cut it accidentally,) because I am on Team Aniston, naturally. I would think that I would have scored higher on the cuteness factor, but I think they were basing “cuteness” on other features than I would. The test sure called it when it picked Laetitia Casta though. Sheesh.

Chicken and kitty cuteness

Don’t you just love interspecies friendships?

This is what happens when you have to turn to the internet for TV.

For all of you who have been wondering what I look like

Alright… it’s not me. I wish I could dance like that! That kid is ammmmaaaazzzzinnnggg!

It’s been a hard days night…

My fifth day of work completed. I was going to go out to dinner and go dancing, but was too tired for either. Will I be able to make it through and to my many planned activities tomorrow? We’ll see. Last night I choked back sobs: my monthly existential angst strikes again. It is really weird to be basically afflicted with what seems like the symptoms as a mental illness for one day a month. I felt glum in the afternoon, but by the evening, I felt like my life was meaningless and I ached with grief and despair. And then (to be just as gross as I can, sorry everyone,) I start bleeding and I’m fine. It’s very strange.

Last night a friend came over and distracted me with his smelly farts and his gross cleanex. I had been crying and talking when I realized I had better just stop and go the distraction route. Everything is better with a friend, even if they are smelly.

Finally I find people who hate knowing anything about a movie before they see it as much as me.

Day three: Work finally sparks some interest

Would I have to rely on the money to motivate me? Would I have to think thoughts of “deliciousness” and “fun” ad nauseum? These were the questions that haunted me. (Can you be haunted by questions after only two days?) Not to worry! Today I spoke with real enthusiasm to a co-worker. And you know what brought on this great enthusiasm? Blogs! And their many uses. Yay! I just got myself invited to some meetings.

And they want me to go to a conference in June. This tickles me to no end.

Bursts of Determination

What makes you feel determined? I’ve had several long haul determination spurts this year, and a couple short spurts during the last two days. Last year I graduated, with all A’s in my last semester (I add extraneously, just for fun. 🙂 This year I searched my booty off looking for a new job and then I looked at SO MANY different places while I was searching for a place to live. I must have emailed at least 50 people. One day I looked at 6 different places. In one day!

Last night I came home vaguely unsatisfied, and then I said, no! I’m not going to sit and watch Sex and the City endlessly in defeat, and I bought a bedroom set and did some other things I needed to get done. Tonight I came home lonely and whined to you in the last post. But then, I said, forget that. It’s just time to kick my social life into high gear. And I invited people over for an impromptu dinner party tomorrow night.

This is not bragging. I once spent two years in my twenties living at home restlessly unable to get myself motivated. Believe me, I know of what Augastine speaks. (Maybe determination has it’s own anti-inertia?) I wonder what has gotten into me? Vision? Desperation? What motivates you?

I’m a fast learner, I already found at that on my death bed I won’t wish I had spent more time at the office

Don’t get me wrong. I’m very glad I got a job and I think this is a great first job for me. The people are nice, really glad to have me, and there is a lot of growth potential in my job. Also, it’s awesome to be able to contribute in a valuable way to an organization and they are giving me enough leeway to do that. (I think. It’s only my second day, ok!) Also, I’m not going to go all Hammie Homemaker on you and tell you that I just want to stay home with the kids. (Just an expression, I don’t have kids.) Because it feels really good to create and be part of something bigger than yourself, and I always want to have that in my life

BUT

… I do want to stay home with the kids at least part of the time! And cuddle with them! It is the people that make life enjoyable for me, and meaningful! I want the people. Of course, I want the husband, and I really want the childrens, and I also want the friends and the extended family. I think I just want someone to come home to. I have so many great people in my life, but getting together with them takes coordinating. I’m missing personal connection right now. I’m the new kid on the block at work. Everyone is nice, but I’m feeling too shy to be fun. Ahhhh… I met a nice woman on the bus today. It’s weird. I’m in the same town, but I feel like I have a whole new life in some ways. I’ve met so many people in the last couple days. I was right about myself, I’m glad I didn’t move to a new time. Ok, time to stop rambling and set up my social schedule.

Goodnight, and Good luck!

What I’ve learned: Advice for the working woman

Hey all ya’ll! Just got back from my first day of work. Here is my advice to me and you. If you have additional advice, I’d love to hear it!

1. Make everything as convenient as possible: convenient haircut, under 10 minute meals, convenient transportation. Make it as easy on yourself as possible.
2. You work for you. Do your best job you can for your company, and remember to keep your list of accomplishments updated and to keep your eyes open for opportunity. Don’t misplace your loyalties. Don’t bond to an entity that can’t bond back, and while doing your best job now, remember your long term goals.
3. Choose your tasks with awareness. As set in stone as job descriptions sounds, there is usually some leeway to follow different paths. Sometimes women are used to being in support positions and helping someone else achieve their dreams, even at work. Make sure you take what leeway you have in your job to create. Be the architect of your own dreams.
4. Decide not only what you will do, but how you will do it. I like to ask myself, how can I make this fun? I realized today that for me it is fun to have friendly relationships at work. Asking myself, “How can I make this fun?” reminded me to seek out human contact even though I was feeling shy.
5. Add pleasure to your daily routine. Do you just love a certain author? Get the book on tape to listen to while you drive to work. Put a postcard size replica of your favorite painting up in your cubicle.

I don’t know how parents can take care of their kids and work full time jobs. Working parents of the world, I salute you. Future husband, please start doing something that you can earn enough money working part time at and still help support our future family. I’ll work on that too.